Jan's Journal
by sarameyester
Summary: Jan is at her session with Dr. Perry and she suggests that she keeps a journal....
1. Chapter 1

Michael and Jan JUST moved in together. Dr. Perry gives Jan advice to start writing a journal…including her thoughts, goals, feelings, just anything that's on her mind…

I just wanted to make a quick note on my thoughts on Dr. Perry and the relationship her and Jan have: 1st of all I think Dr. Perry is an middle aged woman…her and Jan's relationship, I can see, is a lot of sarcasm. Jan can be pretty stubborn and sarcastic, so Dr. Perry dishes it right back…so be prepared that there's going to be sarcasm between them. It's kind of funny actually

Jan is in the middle of her session with her psychiatrist.

"You guys are living together?" Dr. Perry asks her surprised.

Sighs, "Yeah, as of yesterday."

Surprised even more since she didn't think it was that new, "Oh! Wow…"

"Yeah so I've been kinda busy unpacking."

"But not too busy to schedule an impromptu session?" Before Jan can answer, Dr. Perry continues, "So I take it, then, by living together, that you ARE in love with this man."

"Wha-no, I'm NOT in love with him."

"Okay…then what are you?"

Get's defensive, "Just because we're living together doesn't mean we have to be in love. I'm out a job, so he just offered me his place because he knew I'd eventually lose my apartment"

Sarcastically, "Wow, I see why you don't love him, he only offers his home to you…"

Jan's still in her defense mode, "So every time a guy offers his home to me, I HAVE to be in love with him?"

"Jan let's be realistic here. Okay here's what I want you to do…"

Sarcastically, "What? Another one of your weird exercises? Do I need to close my eyes for this, maybe I need to sit Indian style…"

"Fine…forget it….if that's how you feel, then I guess I can't help you." She looks at the clock, "well good session today…I feel like we've accompli…"

Jan senses her sarcasm and jumps in, "okay, okay, what is it? What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to keep a journal, I want you, starting today, to write down your thoughts, goals, feelings, anything that's on your mind.."

Jan crosses her arms, "and what is this going to accomplish?"

"Trust me, writing down anything that might be upsetting you lifts a great weight off your shoulders…it's like venting on paper…"

"Well why can't I just call you and vent to you on phone?" She's mocking her…

"Because I don't have that much time…So will you try it?"

"Fine."

Later-Jan is just getting back. It's about 3 in the afternoon…Michael should be home in about 2 hours. She made a run to Target to pick up a journal. She's still not exactly sure about this, but she at least needs to TRY it. Even though she's not sure what good this is going to do, like Dr. Perry said, it'll keep her occupied once she's settled in. She takes a look around the condo at all the boxes. She takes a deep breath and decides that she'd actually rather be writing than packing. She has a lot on her mind.

First Entry: 3:10 pm

'_Alright here I go…I'm taking Dr. Perry's advice and I'm going to try writing my 'thoughts' down. I should be unpacking, but that can wait right now…I'm still not sure what this is going to quote, unquote 'accomplish', but we'll see…So I had an interesting session with Dr. Perry. She seems to believe that I'm in love with Michael, which I am NOT…I repeat I am NOT in love with him…that's all I'm going to say on the matter. This is ridiculous. I can't write in here.' _

Jan decides to get a box unpacked, when she glances back at the journal and thinks that maybe she just didn't try hard enough, she picks the journal up again:

3:15

'_Ok, I'm going to give this another chance. Plus I really don't feel like unpacking. Hmm…kinda quiet around here. I'm so used to all of the noise of New York City. I'm really going to try and get a few boxes unpacked before Michael gets home. He should be home in 2 hours. I still can't believe that I'm living here now. Dr. Perry was right-no-not about the love part. She was right about how nice Michael actually is. Just last night, he was telling me to make myself feel at home and to not feel weird about anything. Which I know it's only been a day, but it doesn't feel weird at all. Granted, when he was telling me that, he was shaking. I'm sure he didn't think that I noticed, but I did…it was kind of cute actually. I mean this IS he first time living with a woman. Well one that isn't his mother…whom by the way, I'm meeting for the 1__st__ time this weekend. If she's anything like Michael, that's just great. If you didn't catch that, that was sarcasm. But of course you didn't because you're just a stupid journal. A stupid journal who can't hear me. Yet, I still keep writing'_

Jan gives up once again…There's an hour and forty five minutes until Michael should get home. She decides to get a box unpacked. She still keeps thinking about the journal the whole time she's unpacking. It doesn't feel like any weight was lifted off her, that was only because she wasn't mad about anything. Maybe she'll try again…

3:45

'_I only unpacked a box, but I thought to write some more. The box I unpacked was all of my shampoos and body wash's and perfumes. That kind of stuff. Okay Jan, what's on your mind? Hmm…okay, like nothing's on your mind. Come on, there's gotta be something. God this is so stupid…this isn't working. Maybe I could write about how irritated I am about this STUPID exercise.'_

Okay finally 5:15 rolls around. Michael should be home any second

Pacing the floor a little, looking outside the window every now and then. To herself, "Its 5:15. Where is he? He should be home by…"

Just then, Michael walks in, "Hey."

"Hey you, I was starting to get worried."

"Really? That's so sweet." He gives her a kiss, "I was getting worried that you weren't going to be here when I got home…"

"Did I say 'worry'? I meant bored . There's nothing to do around here."

"I've got a great idea. You could unpack."

"That's not boring to you?" Smiles.

"So have you eaten yet?"

"No nothing."

"All day?"

"It's not that big a deal."

"Remember Jan. Don't feel weird here. 'mi casa es su casa.'"

"I remember. You said it like 8 times last night." She lets out a little laugh.

"You must have a lot on your mind?"

"Apparently not." She crosses her arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh its just Dr. Perry suggested that I start keeping a journal. So I go to Target, pick up my journal, get home, get comfy on the couch, when it came to actually writing in it, my mind froze. I had nothing to write about except how lame writing in a journal was." She laughs.

"So do you think you'll keep up with it?"

"Probably not. Especially if my mind goes blank again. I'm not even sure what this is supposed to accomplish. Maybe it's _supposed_ to make my mind blank….like it should clear my mind…"

"Yeah. Or you need to eat something."

"That could be it too."

"Or maybe you're just going through what I go through sometime. Writer's block. It happens every now and then with writers…where their mind goes blank."

"You've had writer's block?" Tries not to laugh…

"Well I don't like to admit it but yes…remind me to show you my screenplay sometime.."

"A screenplay?"

"Yeah, its about this agent guy who tries to save the world…but his idiotic sidekick is causing the downfall of the united states. He also needs to try and save a woman in trouble…Miss Zeta-Jones."

Doesn't really know what to say, "wow…sounds…sounds exciting."

"It really is."

Decides to change the subject, "So uh how was work? Do you miss me?"

"Of course. I'm just glad I know that I get to come home to you every day."

He kisses her. When he pulls away, Jan pulls him closer and kisses him again, tenderly, "thank-you."

"For what?"

"Well for opening up your home to me. It really means a lot."

"Well I couldn't let my girlfriend be homeless…to be honest with you I WAS a little nervous about this whole moving in thing, but now? It's nothing to worry about!" They kiss again. This time more with more passion. This goes on for some time when Jan speaks first, seductively, "Do you want to move this to the bedroom?"

"No" He kisses her.

Surprised, "What? You want to?… right here?" Backs away.

"No I want to get you something to eat."

Steps closer to him again, and wraps her arms around his neck, "But I want you." She gives a him a hot kiss.

"You can have me for dessert." He gives her a seductive smile. "How does that sound?"

"Hmm," She kisses him, "that sounds," smiles, "tasty."

"Alright, then how about we go to," Thinking, "The Vineyard?"

"The Vineyard? You mean to tell me that there's more than a Chilies around here?" Smiles

Later that night- Michael is in the shower and Jan is in bed, waiting for him. She decides to write in her journal again…about her and Michael's night. And she'd rather write in it now, before Michael gets out. She doesn't want him to see her writing in it.

10:45pm

'_Michael and I actually had a great time tonight. I never thought that I'd say 'Michael' and 'great' in the same sentence. I feel like I'm really learning about him and it really isn't all that bad. I'm slowly starting to realize that working for Corporate really interfered with our relationship…Anyways dinner was excellent. Michael only embarrassed me 3 times when usually it's the whole night. Tonight he paid the waiter to sing 'Happy Birthday' to me! That was so humiliating. He's says I need to come out of my shell. What shell? He can be so irritating like that sometimes! Ok enough about that. That was probably what made me the most mad…I learned some more about his mother. Kinda preparing me for the weekend. I'll admit, I'm nervous about meeting her. I don't think that I was ever good at the 'meeting the parents' thing. I guess the last time I met anyone's parents was when I was with Richard. His parents were horrible. For one, they were both very successful, selfish, rich people. Especially his father…and you know what they say 'like father, like son'. Richard was also an only child. Never marry an only child. They are selfish, and whiny, and look out if they don't get what they want. Which hardly ever happens. I realize Michael's an only child too. But it's so different with him. He's not selfish at all. It's not all about him and his wants. And that's what makes them different…Michael told me that I have nothing to worry about with his mother. That she's going to fall in love with me. Weird…I know. But like I said before, if her and Michael are anything alike, it probably doesn't take that much for them to fall in love. Well…it sounds like Michael is out of the shower, so I best be going….one more thing, I really hate to admit this, but writing in here isn't so bad after all. It really DID take some weight off my shoulders. I'll talk to ya tomorrow…night!' _

Hope ya liked it. Let me know if I should continue!


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Jan's Journal (Part 2/?)

Pairing: M/J

Words: 1,962

Rating: PG-13-R (for language)

Summary: Jan started keeping a journal. Advised by her therapist Dr. Perry.

Note: What's fun about this fic, to me, is since there's not a whole lot of direction in HOW Jan is writing in her journal, is you can kind of read it in your own way and have fun with it that way. Sort of like there's not really a WRONG way she MAY be expressing her 'feelings'. I guess a lot fan fictions are like that…

4:50pm

"I'm gonna kill him! I'm seriously going to kill that man!!! UGH!!! I am so infuriated with him! I'm writing so damn hard in this journal that I'm going to go through it! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! But since Michael shares fucking walls with people, I can't! Okay…okay Jan, just breath (I'm taking a deep breath) okay. By the way, I'm not mad at Michael. Surprised? Me too! Actually I just got off the phone with my wonderful ex! There's that sarcasm again. He apparently wants to SUE me! He says that he want's the wedding ring back. I gave the ring back to him before our divorce was even final! He claims that I never gave it to him…calling me a fucking lying bitch!!! Why the FUCK would I want that damn memory of him. He said I probably pawned it or something. Which he made it clear that he'll bring it up to the judge. Also he asked me where I was living now. Like I'm going to tell him? No way in hell would I let him know where I live. He said I should just tell him because he'll find out either way! God! I don't know what the hell I'm going to do! I don't have the goddamn ring! Alright well, I have to try and not think about this…Michael's supposed to be home pretty soon, and we're going to dinner at his mom's. Still a little nervous, but I'm so angry that I can't really think about being nervous. I don't think that I can tell Michael about this whole situation. He doesn't really need to know. I'm probably just making this into more than it is anyways. If I told him, he'll want to go into hiding or something. Lately his answer to everything is to go to Jamaica. Just the other day I was looking for something to eat, and didn't really find anything that I wanted and Michael said 'do you know where they have food? Jamaica! Let's go!' So, I don't know, I think I'll tell him. I guess he kind of deserves to know, I just don't want him to worry. I don't even really know if I feel like going out tonight…I already know that I won't be able to forget about this like I want to! Richard is just such a jackass! He knows that I'm with Michael and he says that he's only with me, because of how easy I am! And that he can get 'it' anytime he wants…what a fucker right? I'm sorry about the language, but I have to say it is kind of relieving my anger. Well Michael is just pulling up the drive-way…"

Jan stands up to greet him at the door.

He walks in, "Hey!"

"Hi!" She can't help but look at him with sad eyes. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him tightly.

This surprises Michael, "whoa…hey." he hugs back. He can sense something's not right. Tries to back away to make sure she's okay but she just keeps hugging him. "Jan, what's wrong?" She doesn't say anything…she actually crying softly on his shoulder. "Jan are you okay?" She shakes her head against his shoulder. He backs away firmly to look at her and takes her arms, "What? What is it? Look I'm sorry that I was late by a minute or 2...I should've called."

"I'm not mad at you Michael. I'm sorry…" She wipes a tear away. "How was your day?"

"Forget about me. I want to know what's wrong…come here…" he walks her over to the couch with his hand on the lower part of her back, "you sit right here…I wanna hear everything. I'm going to go grab Kleenex." He goes away for a minute and comes back, "I'm sorry I didn't have any Kleenex, but here's toilet paper." Hands some to her

"Thanks…" She sniffs and takes it…he just waits for her to start telling him what's wrong, "Richard called me today…I literally JUST got off the phone with him like 8 minutes ago."

He nods his head as if now he understands why she's so upset, "Aw…what did he have to say?"

"He's planning on suing me. Says that he wants the wedding ring back."

"And he's mad because you won't give it back to him?"

Frustrated, but not at Michael, "I gave the fucking ring back to him Michael, but he's trying to make my life a living hell and claims that I never gave it back."

"Did you tell him to look up his ass?"

"Yeah…except I may have thrown in a few other words as well. Why the HELL would I want that stupid memory of him? Sure, I could've pawned it, but even then, whatever I would've bought with that money, it would still be a memory of his dumb ass!"

"Why can't he just leave you alone? Why does he feel the need to harass you? You guys have been divorced for what? Over a year now? Two?"

Sarcastically, "Oh I don't know? Maybe business has been slow? He has nothing else to do. You know what the funny thing is? He expects me to tell him where I'm living now after just getting done calling me a fucking lying bitch!"

Gets upset, "Okay! I've heard enough…we have to get out of here…" He gets up, but she grabs his hand and pulls him back down.

"No Michael…we're not going to Jamaica." Jan smiles softly.

"But this reason is a real one! It makes sense doesn't it?" He gets up again and she pulls him down again and takes both of his hands

"Michael.." on the verge of tears, "what am I going to do? If he brings this to court, then…"

Jumps in, "Jan! The man has no case here."

Worried, "You think so?"

"I know so! Think about it…that ring, whether you still have it or not, is rightfully yours. You didn't have to give it back at all. He gave it to you!"

"But I didn't feel right keeping it."

"Exactly. Just, you have nothing to worry about."

She gives him a soft kiss, and smiles, "Thank-you…"

"Sure…any time." There's a period of silence, "So are ya ready to meet my mom?" He stands up.

Nods, "Yeah…" He grabs her hand and she stands up as well, "…and if she's anything like you Michael…I can't wait to meet her." She genuinely means that.

Smiles, "Well guess who I got my sense of humor from?"

"I want to say your mother, but that sounds like such an easy answer…" She smiles. Michael gives her a kiss, reassuring her that everything is going to be okay, Jan's the one to break the kiss, "hmmm…so who do you get your kissing from?"

"Um…the dog." He laughs.

She glares at him first with a smile on her face and she swats him on the arm playfully, "Shut-up." She laughs.

"Jan? Will you do me a favor?"

"Sure anything."

"Will you laugh more often?"

Slightly laughs, "What do you mean?"

"Your laugh. Its just music to my ears. I love it when you laugh…you should do it more often."

"Well I'll see what I can do."

Later…1:00am, Michael is sleeping and Jan on her side of the bed writing in her journal before she goes to bed.

'Well tonight turned out to be a pretty good night. Aside from the fact that I had to deal with my ex, I got to meet Michael's mom. All I can say is 'Wow! Where to start?' Lol (I just learned what 'lol' means tonight from Michael, so I'll probably be using it a lot) Anyways, Michael's mom was so…I can't even describe her. She's just sooo so sweet. She's probably the nicest lady ever. She's so cute. Before Michael even introduced us…she practically ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug, which I now know where Michael get's his bear hugs from…lol. She told me that all Michael ever does is talk about me and that she was so excited to finally meet me. Right then and there I forgot why I was even nervous. She put me at ease. Then Michael pretended to be all embarrassed, but I know he was loving every minute of his mother and my getting along. The reason I think I was so nervous, in the first place, was I was worried that we were going to run out of things to talk about and then there'd be those awkward pauses. But that did NOT happen at all…Michael's mother had so much to talk about and so many questions…and believe me I had a LOT of questions as well. It came to the point where Michael had to drag us away from each other because it was getting late and he has to work in the morning, which sucks because it's Saturday tomorrow and he was supposed to be home all day, but there's some thing going on with Corporate, and he can't get out of it. I think it's just going to be a half day or something. Okay now I'm just babbling. Is it weird that for the first time in…9 months (WOW! I just realized that we've been together for close to 9 months now!) anyways, is it weird that I JUST felt a REAL connection with him. I mean I knew that there always was my attraction to him…but a connection? For the first time I REALLY felt like a real couple. I'll be honest, it was such a great feeling. I just smile thinking about it. You're probably wondering why I don't love this guy…I guess it's not really that I don't love him necessarily, it's just when it comes to actually SAYING it, it's hard…I just want to be really sure that I'm in love. Because 'love' is such a strong word, obviously not for Michael, but for me? I've been through so much and to let myself be head-over-heels for someone hurts me more than you know…more than Michael knows. That might seem really weird that it hurts me to be in love, but it's how I feel…I can NOT get hurt again…I WON'T get hurt. Last time I was head-over-heels in love was when I was with my pathetic excuse for a husband, Richard. And we all know how that turned out. Richard used to be like Michael, not exactly, but to the point where I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. He was so kind and gentle and funny… maybe I should be clearer, that was in the 1st year that was with him. I haven't even been with Michael for a year yet, so maybe that's what's putting me back, maybe that's why I can't tell him those 3 little words. After that year is up, when you're already completely devoted to this person, is when they start to change and show their true side, and become really comfortable with you. I don't know, I could probably go on all night but it IS 2 in the morning and I'm tired. I'm sure I'll have more to write about tomorrow! In the mean time…let's just keep this between you and I.'

I'm sorry if it seemed like Jan was babbling, but it was supposed to be like that. I've kept a journal before and your mind can be all over sometimes to where you're just rambling on and on…I just hope it wasn't confusing…Also notice how Jan doesn't think the journal is really stupid anymore and that she's finding it somewhat refreshing to express what she's feeling on paper. MORE TO COME SOON!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Saturday Morning-Michael is just heading out for work

"Well I hope to be home by 1, but I MAY have to stay till closing time." About to walk out the door when Jan goes to walk him out.

"All day? What am I going to do all day?" Whining

Whining right along with her, "I know…today of all days right?" He kisses her, "I'd rather be here with you. In the meantime how about you unpack? You're almost done right?"

"Yeah, just about."

"Ok-well.." He kisses her, "I have to go."

"Call me if you get bored."

"I'm always bored." He smiles

Jan smiles back, "Okay…call me when you're extremely bored."

"I'm always extr.."

Jan cuts him and laughs, "Okay, then just call me…"

They kiss again, this time a little longer, "Okay, bye."

"Bye."

"I love you."

This makes Jan all weird like usual, but tries to sound chipper, "Ok then…see ya later." Michael gets bummed out as usual. He hopes that ONE day she'll say it back, accidentally, and it'll sound so natural. She notices again, like she always does and just takes a deep breath.

"Don't forget about tonight!"

"I won't Michael." He leaves. To herself, as if she's talking to Michael, "What do you want me to say Michael? Say 'I love you'? Even if I don't know if I'm in that place?" She shakes her thoughts about him away and picks her journal up:

'Michael just said those 3 words again, and once again I couldn't say them back…AND once again I had to watch those hopeful eyes turn to shame…I mean, do I think about him all day? Yeah. Do I miss his voice to where I almost forget what he sounds like? Sure. But that doesn't mean that I love him. I mean sure I miss him when he's gone, but you don't have to be in love for that to happen…right? I just think that I…wait, my cell is ringing…it's probably just Michael.'

"Hello?" Answered it without even looking at the caller id.

"Did you find it?"

Knowing exactly that it's Richard, becomes angry, "God Richard! I don't have the fucking ring!"

Sarcastically, "wow this Michael guy must be a bad influence on you…you never used to swear like this."

Jan doesn't feel like fighting right now, "why do you have to do this?"

"You know? A good mom doesn't swear. How do you expect to have kids if you have such a potty mouth?" Jan doesn't say anything to that, "Jan? Hello? Are you still there?" She sighs, "Well I'll take that 'sigh' as an agreement."

"Richard? How come you never wanted kids?"

"Oh no…don't try changing the subject on me. I'm not going to forget that you still have my ring."

Jan was trying to be civil with him, but he's making it hard, and she snaps, "Your ring? That ring was rightfully mine. Okay? I didn't have to give it back! You GAVE it to me. I gave it back because I didn't feel right keeping it…you honestly don't remember? How drunk WERE you that night?"

"No I don't remember-please-fill me in. Because I think you were the only one there."

"Well…its one of those nights I HATE to remember…but I had planned on coming over to just give the ring back and leave, but you had been drinking and crying, something I rarely saw and I actually felt sorry for you. But that lasted no longer than a second before you started calling me every name in the book. The worst one? Worthless piece of shit. That was when I realized that divorce really was the right choice…because as hurt as I was, a part of me was kinda thinking of a possible reconciliation. Why? I have no clue, but anybody who tells me that I have no reason to live is not worth being in my life." Starts yelling at him, "You're the one that made me end up in the hospital, you're the one that made me land in therapy. YOU'RE the one who made me who I am today, and I HATE who I am today. I can't even tell this amazing man that I love him, because I'm so terrified that he's going to turn out to be EXACTLY like you! It's all your fault Richard!!!" Calms down a bit. He just remains quiet and Jan continues, "so anyways, I just thought 'fuck it, I'm going to give the ring back and get the hell out of there'. It didn't go exactly how I wanted. I gave the ring back but you instantly stopped yelling and became extremely sad. It's like you knew-you REALIZED that this was really happening and there was nothing you could do to change it."

Quietly, "I wasn't sad…I was angry."

"Aw…you suddenly remember."

"Of course I remember! God you can be soo…" He stops himself.

"What? Worthless? It doesn't matter what you call me anymore. Goodbye."

"Jan wait!"

"What? Is that not what you were going to say? Were you going to use another word for worthless? Valueless? Insignificant? Useless?"

Actually sounding sincere, "I'm sorry okay? You can believe it or not but…" takes a deep breath and it sounds like a complete bipolar turnaround, "I miss you."

Doesn't buy any of it, "You miss me?"

"yeah…very much. I don't know why I'm so harsh on you….work's been slow…maybe it just gave me something to do…I don't know. I just miss you so much. Jannie-"

Stops him right there, "Don't! Don't call me that."

"What?"

"That name. it's what you always said before…"

Interrupts her, "…I love you."

She finishes her sentence, "…you said that. You do NOT love me Richard."

"Yeah I do Jannie. You know what? I've been doing a lot of thinking and I now know that I want to have kids…and I want them with no one but you…"

"How dumb do you think I am? Do you think that I'm buying any of this bullshit? Well I'm not okay? You're not just going to lure me in to getting back together with you. I'm with a wonderful guy who I am in total happiness with and I'm not going to throw that away for YOUR dumb ass!"

"Okay…fine. I don't expect you to want kids with me…I get it-you moved on. Michael really does seem like a nice guy and you deserve it."

"Thank-you."

"Can we at least stay in touch and be friends? What are you doing for lunch? Let me take you out."

"I don't know Richard. I don't feel right doing that to Michael."

"It'd be totally mutual Jan. No strings attached."

"I can't. I'm sorry. You've just hurt me one too many times and I don't think I can deal with more."

"Remember that time that I sent over 500 roses to your office? 742 to be exact. It was the amount of days that we were together. It was just after we got back from our honeymoon."

"Yeah I remember that…it was actually the first and last time you ever did anything that romantic for me. But you ended up getting so caught up in your work that you started having: quote, unquote business trips."

"Excuse me? 'Quote, unquote'?"

"You think I didn't know what was REALLY going on at those business trips."

"Now you're accusing me of cheating on you? See? THIS is why we're divorced. You never trusted me."

"You're right. We ARE divorced. That's why you don't have to lie to me anymore."

"I would never cheat on you."

"Why? Because you meant every word in your vow to me? Because you always treated me with great kindness and love?" Trying to get through to him, "Richard! Every time I even initiated sex, you always made up excuses why you didn't want to."

"Do you honestly WANT to hear that I cheated on you? Would it seriously make you feel better Jan?"

"Yes it would."

"What is it going to solve?"

"I just want to hear it Richard! Okay? I already know that you did. I just want to hear it from YOU."

Yells over her voice, "Why?!?!"

Begins to raise her voice with each word she says, "Tell me that you cheated on me!"

Yells, "Okay fine! I cheated on you! Alright? All of those business trips were nothing but sex romps, orgies, and threesomes, and that dildo you found-probably used on 18 different women. Alright? I did not have ONE single business trip while we were married. You nagged and nagged and nagged! All we ever did was bitch back and forth. I HAD to get away. From you! Okay? So there's the truth."

Almost a whisper, "See? Now was that so hard?" Sure, Jan knew that he cheated on her…but she didn't think that she was going to learn ALL of that.

"Just think-if I never had been like this…you'd probably not be with Michael. We'd still be married." For some reason, he tries to look at the brighter side of things.

"You're making my being with Michael about you? What? Do you expect a 'thank-you'? You know? I have a lot of things to do today and I already wasted an hour with you so good-bye." And with that, Jan finally hangs up. Silence now fills the condo…as Jan breaks down crying. After 15 minutes of uncontrollable crying, Jan calms down and grabs her journal as if it was alcohol…

'Well another interesting conversation with my ex. I feel lots of hatred towards him. But I have to try and let it go though, because I'm with Michael now, and I'm happy. And what I'm about to write is something I will never admit out loud and something I shouldn't even write down but…Richard was my first love…my first everything, and by everything I mean he took something from me that was very special to me…as to most girls. He was my first boyfriend ever….I was so in love with him…I thought that I was blind…which apparently I was for awhile. I had people tell me that he treats me bad and that I should get out before it gets worse. And it did. The first year that we were married wasn't THAT bad…maybe I still can't admit that it WAS. Anyway a part of me, still, loves him…I know that sounds so ridiculous! How could I love someone who treated me like shit? Who abused me in more ways than one? Maybe I'm just naïve. I think a part of me will always love that man…no matter what pain he's put me through. It's not like I WANT to love him, it's just unconditional. I think that's what I hate most about him…I hate that I love him. As for Michael and myself? We're great…I'm not planning on telling him about this. Especially today. It's his birthday and I don't want to ruin it…I know it may seem like I forgot that it was his birthday since I haven't told him 'happy birthday' yet, but believe me, I know it's his birthday. The last few months, 6 to be exact, he's been telling me what he want's. More importantly, what he DOESN'T want. We don't have anything planned really-I agreed to watch movies with him of his choice. After I made him watch this Mexican film 'Y tu Mama Tambien' I don't think that he's going to let me pick the movies anymore. I think we're going to watch season one of 'Entourage'. I don't really know what it's about, but he always quotes lines from there, so anyways I think he might be home soon, so I should really try to finish unpacking….later.'

More of Michael's birthday to come…


End file.
